My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
You Might Also Like
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
New tinder profile pic
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says