My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
You Might Also Like
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.