My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.