My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.