My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend![]()
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It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
damn he’s good
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Sharon I have some bad news
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My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
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At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.