Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?

Steven: even numbers

Stephen: ephen numbers

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop