my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
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[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
🖕🏻👽
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Bloody internet 😳
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …