my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
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I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Just say no
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m not lazy
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*