Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

#Caturday

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

🤣😂

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.