Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Nice try, poison.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

barista: room for cream?

me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together