Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

mariah carrie

Orange is oranging 🟠

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣