my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
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I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Help Wanted
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.