Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home