my ex boyfriend鈥檚 cousin鈥檚 girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I鈥檝e still got the juice 馃槑
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IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
that lip filler tho
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it鈥檚 tomorrow morning! Don鈥檛 be late!
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I鈥檝e lived here over
250 years and haven鈥檛 noticed anything strange.
I don鈥檛 know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Jokes on you, inflation, I鈥檒l never stop buying peanut butter.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that鈥檚 way worse
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
If you aren鈥檛 happy single, you won鈥檛 be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn鈥檛 even get one house call from cps.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
#damn
A flock of dads is called a grill.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn鈥檛 have condoms.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don鈥檛 like to chew