My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Bro what is this
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where theyâve been. but in their absence. theyâll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If youâre thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Auto correct is my worst enema.
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Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
The real reason evolution started..đ
Iâm white, but not âmy kitchen island is so big it has its own zip codeâ white
This all started with Meghanâs friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Social distancing in Australia:
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
So sorry
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.