Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat