Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awesome parenting 😂

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”