My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
