My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
