Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

*looks at you in batman voice*

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in