Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

me at the job i begged god for

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Worst bar ever.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Plant care tips