My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
You Might Also Like
Lmfao
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.