My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
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Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest