Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

#MeanwhileinCanada

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”