Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Eating for two.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!