My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.