Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.