My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.