Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing