Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????

Girl, same.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.