My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
You Might Also Like
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
my proudest tweet
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing