My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
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I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Can Happiness buy money?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink