A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
181.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you