my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.