Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

I’m as full as a tick on a tampon

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.