My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.