My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
