My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
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I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
i wish i could marry a nap
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Salad is the decaf of food.
same energy
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
My favorite female superhero
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”