Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.