My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
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[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
The French cow says MEUX…
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
This is hilarious
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
#milo
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?