My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do
[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
This world would be a much better place if some people’s mothers would’ve just had a headache.