My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
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friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.