Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

Old old old old old west

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.