My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
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Orange cat behavior 😂
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Hmmmmmmm….
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
“What movie?” 🤔
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now