Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

biblically accurate fire hydrant

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.