Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Okay hear me out.

I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.

I’d marry me

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.