my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
liiiiiiiiike
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Optional boss fight.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My work here is don’t.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.