My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Have a lovely day 😊
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.