My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
this could fix me
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now