Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.