My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
You Might Also Like
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Labreador
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
got so much cardio in today
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.