My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
584.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”