My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
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I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.