My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
#Caturday
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.