Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

british sex workers really pound for pound

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4