my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
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Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
#CatsOnTwitter
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.