My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
You Might Also Like
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.