My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
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Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
A male goth is called a broth.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever