My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
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Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.