@MrSandeepP

My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.

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@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

@jctwritesstuff

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

@pleatedjeans

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

@PhilJamesson

Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation

@rumsnipe

Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?

@ArfMeasures

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

@BuckyIsotope

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

@bestestname

As a kid, they teach you phonics, but then make you sit next to a kid named Sean.

@IamJackBoot

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.