[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.
You Might Also Like
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
HER: I’m ending this
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
As a kid, they teach you phonics, but then make you sit next to a kid named Sean.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.