Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
are they though??