Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

[on a date with a houseplant]

Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.

Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice

Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-

John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!