My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Friday night party time 🥳
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
jesus christ confetti not now
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs