My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
i really liked this one
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Twitter is an abusement park.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
never stops being funny
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.