My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*