My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?