My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Always this one for me forever
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!