Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

Thank heavens for community notes

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect