My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now