Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”

[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat